Don’t get trapped with a partner who undermines your wellbeing time and time again.
Whether your partner is unsupportive or emotionally volatile, you may have concerns that you’re in a toxic relationship. These could be bad habits that you and your partner have fallen into, or signs of something more serious.
Below are 10 warning signals to look out for, as well as advice on what to do if you see these red flags in your own life. Sharing her expertise is Angela Vossen, a sex and relationship coach with over 13 years’ experience in health and wellness.
- What is a toxic relationship?
- 10 toxic relationship signs
- Leaving a toxic relationship
- FAQs
What is a toxic relationship?
According to Angela, the term ‘toxic’ is overused to label people and relationships. “People are not inherently either ‘toxic’ or ‘not toxic’”, she says. “Rather, most people can behave, at times, in ways that are less healthy. Most couples can fall into unconstructive patterns. In some cases though, this dysfunctionality is more chronic or extreme and we might consider these dysfunctional or ‘toxic’ relationships”.
If you’re wondering where your relationship falls, there are some red flags to look out for. “A toxic relationship is one that consistently undermines one or both partners’ wellbeing, health (mental or physical), happiness, or safety,” Angela explains. “Unlike healthy relationships which are built on mutual respect, trust and shared growth, toxic relationships involve consistently harmful behaviours – such as emotional manipulation, controlling behaviours, or lack of reasonable support – that can erode mental and emotional health”.
She adds that this toxicity may not always be intentional, and people may not be fully aware of their behaviour and its impact on partners. “If you try to communicate with a partner about the negative impacts of their behaviour on you and you’re met with denial, dismissal or derision, this can signal that the relationship is becoming toxic”.
10 signs of a toxic relationship
Here are the most common signs that your relationship is falling into the toxic category.
1. Constant feelings of anxiety and fear
The way someone makes you feel is a strong indicator of how healthy the relationship is. Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, constantly dreading your partner’s reactions, or feeling stressed when they message or call you is a sign that the relationship is toxic. A healthy relationship should make you feel safe and never uneasy.
2. Chronic disrespect and dismissiveness
You may find you and your partner having frequent conversations involving criticism, sarcasm, blame-shifting and stonewalling (where they refuse to engage with you). This pattern of disrespectful and dismissive behaviour can leave you feeling lonely and misunderstood.
3. Gaslighting and manipulation
Gaslighting is the process by which someone distorts reality in order to manipulate someone else. The manipulator forces the unsuspecting victim to question their perception, memory or even sanity. As such, it’s a very harmful behaviour.
4. Isolation from family and friends
“A partner may discourage or criticise your social connections, isolating you from your support network,” warns Angela. “This might not be direct – ie telling you not to do something – but your partner might pick a fight with you before you’re due to go out alone, either causing you to stay home or leading to you not enjoying your time with friends”.
5. Patterns of jealousy and control
“Excessive jealousy, monitoring your whereabouts, dictating choices – for example your friends or clothing – are signs of toxic behaviour,” says Angela. At first, this may feel like your partner is showing passion and love but it can lead to more serious forms of abuse such as coercive control.
6. Emotional volatility
If your partner flies off the handle easily and loses their temper over minor things, you may start to change your behaviour in order to prevent a blow up. However, volatile behaviour like this makes a partner feel fearful and like they need to constantly walk on eggshells.
7. Lack of support and validation
Another common sign of a toxic relationship is feeling that your partner does not support or validate you enough. “This means that your feelings are dismissed or minimised – for example, “You’re too sensitive” – leading to self-doubt or feeling devalued,” Angela explains.
8. Disregard for personal boundaries
Everyone is allowed to have their own personal boundaries. If your partner continually disregards them, it could be a sign of a toxic relationship. Examples of this could be pressing you to talk about personal topics you’ve told them you aren’t ready to share, wanting too much physical contact early on, or even asking to borrow money or stay at your house frequently.
9. Frequent arguments with no resolution
Disagreements are a healthy part of any relationship but if you’re constantly arguing without any clear resolution, your lines of communication may have broken down. Arguments may also be caused by gaslighting, emotional volatility or a dismissal of your feelings.
10. Damage to self-esteem and self-worth
When people are in a toxic relationship, it can often have a lasting impact on their self-esteem and self-worth. A healthy relationship should make you feel loved and understood so it’s important to check in with yourself regularly if this isn’t how you’re feeling.
How to leave a toxic relationship
Angela advises that leaving a toxic relationship requires careful planning, especially if safety is a concern. This is because an already toxic relationship can escalate into an abusive situation during separation, so it’s important that you seek support through this process to keep everyone safe. Angela recommends taking the following steps:
1. Acknowledge the reality
“Recognise the harm and affirm your right to a healthier life. It can be hard to acknowledge the fact that your relationship has become toxic. Trusted friends or family might see the signs first,” says Angela. Speaking to a friend or professional can help, but things might get worse before they get better. Hoping that things might improve is unrealistic.
2. Build a support network
Your support network will be integral when leaving a toxic relationship, so Angela recommends reaching out to friends, family, or a therapist. For abusive situations, you should also contact organisations like the National Domestic Abuse Hotline or Men’s Advice Line for specialist advice.
3. Create a safety plan
A safety plan should include securing finances and important documents, and ensuring you have a safe place to stay. “If there’s any risk of violence, involve professionals early,” says Angela. “If children or other people are directly involved or affected, consider their needs and safety too. Involve them in discussions in an age-appropriate way”.
4. Communicate clearly
If you’ve decided to break up with someone, you may be worried about how to do it. “Express your decision to end the relationship firmly, ideally in a public place or with support, but avoid this if it risks escalation,” recommends Angela. “If the situation feels unsafe, you may need to consider leaving unannounced. There is support to help you do this – speak to the police or a domestic abuse organisation”.
5. Cut contact
Angela advises blocking communication channels to prevent manipulation – especially if the person you’re ending things with is prone to gaslighting and volatility. This will also support your healing. This should include your phone number and social media platforms.
6. Prioritise self-care
It can take a lot of strength to end a relationship, especially if your self-confidence is at an all-time low. Angela recommends engaging in therapy or activities such as journaling and exercise to rebuild your sense of self and heal after a breakup. “Expect emotional challenges like guilt or doubt – these are normal but fade with time. They don’t mean that you were wrong to end the relationship,” says Angela. “If children or shared assets are involved, seek legal advice. Safety is paramount, as toxicity can escalate during breakups”.
Toxic relationship FAQs
Can you fix a toxic relationship?
“Fixing a toxic relationship is possible but requires maturity, mutual commitment, self-awareness, and often professional intervention,” explains Angela. “Both partners must acknowledge their roles, take responsibility, and work on change – such as improving communication or setting boundaries”. Individuals need to take responsibility for how their own issues are impacting their partner. Couples therapy can address underlying issues such as insecurity or past trauma. “However, if one partner refuses to change, leaving is often the healthiest option,” Angela says. “Therapy can clarify whether repair is viable”.
You can find a suitable therapist via your GP, local NHS resources or online counselling directories such as Better Help.
What are the early signs of a toxic relationship?
Initial clues may appear subtly at first and become more frequent or serious. For instance, slight jealousy at the start of a relationship may escalate into coercive control later on. Emotional volatility could escalate into violence or verbal abuse. If you’ve noticed red flags in your relationship, tune into how your partner makes you feel and speak to them about it as soon as possible (if you feel safe to do so).
In less serious cases, you and your partner may have fallen into bad habits such as not listening to one another or not being as kind to each other as you should. With some self-awareness, you can work to improve the relationship without it becoming toxic or the relationship ending.
What are the main types of toxic relationship?
Angela defines the main types as abusive, co-dependent, emotionally manipulative, jealously driven, involving addiction or infidelity.
Abusive
In UK law, the categories of abuse in relationships include physical, sexual, psychological, financial and coercive control. These can occur in combination or alone, and are all criminal offences. “It can be difficult to recognise that you are being abused by your partner,” says Angela. “But if their behaviour makes you feel physically or emotionally frightened or harmed, you may be living in an abusive relationship.”
Co-dependent
Co-dependency is when one partner enables unhealthy behaviours (for example, addiction) by sacrificing their own needs. This, Angela says, is often due to low self-esteem.
Emotionally manipulative
According to Angela, an emotionally manipulative partner may use guilt, gaslighting or passive-aggression to control the other. “This erodes self-trust and is common in narcissistic dynamics”.
Jealousy driven
A very jealous partner may exert excessive suspicion or possessiveness that stifles independence. Angela warns that this can lead to isolation from friends and loved ones and constant accusations and arguments.
Addiction-involved
A partner’s substance abuse or behavioural addiction can create chaos and neglect. This can be a very challenging situation to leave but your partner won’t be able to maintain a healthy relationship until they have got their addiction under control.
Infidelity-based
When a partner is repeatedly unfaithful, this erodes trust and is often accompanied by lies and manipulation. It can also negatively impact your personal self-esteem and self-worth.
Learn more: Reasons why people cheat
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